"What I wish I'd known..."

A personal thought on eating disorders and anorexia. TW: Eating disorder content. ​

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A breakfast from The Beanhive in Dublin, Ireland (Summer 2019).

There's certain things I never thought I'd share online, such as the secret that I was conceived via sperm donor, the fact that I poop with my feet up on the toilet seat, squat-style, and the admittance that, all throughout college, I had an eating disorder.  

(If you can’t tell already, this post is bound to be a bit heavy)

Starting in the summer before my freshman year, I fell into anorexia quickly and deeply, starting with advice from Crossfit friends to become Keto. 

After that, I drastically cut my calories, all based - not on research, evidence, or intuitive needs - on Instagram fitness girls pedalling 1200-calorie diets and extensive exercise. 

I continued like this for about two years, even while studying abroad in Ireland and seeing such amazing food like the one in the photo! (I remember this meal - it stressed me out beyond belief thinking about how much fat was in the meal, and I restricted the rest of the day to "make up for it", instead of enjoying it).

Nothing changed until the 2020 summer of COVID-19 when my best friend finally pulled me aside and told me she was worried for me. Recovery is different for everyone, but this was the first moment I felt truly seen and supported, and it gave me the impetus to start working toward recovery.

Now, over four years in, I can happily say I’m on the upswing of recovery - disordered eating is now the exception, not the norm, and I’m finally comfortable to talk about it (or write about it, as I am here and on my Instagram). 

I want to help other people see the warning signs, bypass the false information, and actually understand this illness is doing to their bodies and minds. 

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Obviously, I’m not a doctor. I’m not a registered dietitian, and so, I’m not going to tell you what to do. BUT what I will provide below is my personal beliefs on how shi***y this illness is, some anecdotes of my time with it, and plenty of links to articles and resources for those in recovery. 

There’s so much I wish I knew before listening to the Crossfit Ketos, but, thankfully, I know those things now. With therapy, friends, family, love, medication, and a much needed change in scenery, I overcame this illness, and I know you can, too!

What I wish I'd known: Before anorexia:

1. That there are warning signs for all eating disorders, and it's important to look out for them. Whether it's anorexia, bulimia, orthorexia, or binge-eating disorder; Look for the warning signs and symptoms and get help as soon as you can.
2. That carbs are GOOD and NECESSARY for brain function. Never try a low-carb diet without consulting with your doctor; Carbs give us energy, they're not evil! 
3. That Instagram fitness girls and your best friend's mom almost always are wrong about how many calories to eat in a day. The only person I've found to be helpful, empowering, and factual is Natacha Océane, linked many times below.
4. That being thinner will not inherently make you happier. In fact, having an eating disorder, as it shows in the article, directly impacts your happiness and often makes you much more depressed. Not to mention the energy drain! Being skinny but scared and stressed out all the time is not a happy existence, and, believe me, no matter how you look, you’ll never be satisfied. 

What I wish I'd known: During anorexia:

1. That anyone of any weight can have anorexia - anorexia isn't just defined by the physical. It's defined by the mental; it's an intense fear of gaining weight. I remember when I was in college, there were other anorexic girls who would brag about how little they would eat, and I would think, Well, I eat more than that, so I must not be anorexic! Or, if I am, I must not be very good at it, because I can't cut as much as her! 
2. That my relationships would fall flat while having anorexia, not because I have bad friends, but because I had no energy to maintain friendships. I also gave myself no extra calories to spend time with my friends outside of the house.
3. That I would grow hair in the worst of places: When underweight, my incredibly intelligent body tries to find a way to keep me alive, so I grew fuzzy hair (called lanugo) on my face, neck and back to keep me warm.
4. That I would lose hair in the worst of places: When underweight, while the lanugo grew in places I hated, the hair on my head lost it's thickness and shine, sometimes even falling out altogether. This is because when the body lacks energy, it starts to reserve its energy only for essential, life-saving processes. Sadly, pretty hair was not one of them.
5. That I would lose my period: and that that's NOT a good thing!: I lost my period for about three years, from Fall 2018- Fall 2021, and, though I loved not having to deal with cramps, amenorrhea (loss of period) is bad for your bones, your energy levels, your ability to procreate, and your sex drive. That's right:
6. That I would have NO SEX DRIVE: During those three years, though I kissed people, I had sex with no one. I had no drive to (and that's crazy, because I definitely do now!) My libido was in the negative.
7. That my stomach would hurt all the time: not only because of the hunger pangs, but because of the high amounts of fiber in vegetables I was eating.
8. That I would waste so many hours of the day planning my meals, preparing my meals, and looking for food that fit my regimented schedule. Not only that, but when food was around, I was always staring at it, thinking about it- trying to fit it into my daily calories. Meanwhile, I wasn't thinking about the task at hand: the class, script, or person in front of me.
9. That anorexia wasn't going to be my life forever. That it was possible to get out.

What I wish I'd known: In recovery:

1. That my eating disorder wouldn't just go away after gaining weight: relapses, binges, backslides, and relearning bad habits can take months or even years. It's not a simple switch.
2. That Instagram's "For You" page is extremely unhelpful in recovering from an eating disorder: For me, I reset my "For You" page, and retrained the algorithm away from ED content. It may sound crazy, but it helped me so much. I hope it does the same for you.
3. That there may be stretch marks and cellulite, but those are normal. I have lots of cellulite and my boyfriend had stretch marks, but that doesn't make us any less fit: You can't eat "healthy enough" or "train away" cellulite: it's there to stay, and I’m still learning to love it.
4. That I could accomplish more goals with more fuel.  While still underweight, I struggled for years to finish drafts, find love, and get my first pull-up. With added fuel, I’m happily dating someone for over a year, I can do three pull-ups (easy) and I’ve written four pilots in the past year! Food is energy (and it’s so damn good).
5. That life gets SO MUCH BETTER outside of the disorder. Ever since my first weight gain and the return of my period, I’ve fallen in love, I have energy, I enjoy my foods, and my mind is so much clearer. Any insecurity that I still have about my body clears immediately when I remember how insecure I was in the midst of it.

 
There it is, that’s the list, as unfiltered as I can muster.

I got the idea for this list after a lovely coffee date with a hometown friend, someone who’s also in ED recovery and who was so open and vulnerable with sharing her experiences. 

Our EDs had so many threads in common, and, after seeing my Instagram post discussing my experience with an ED and eventual recovery, she reached out, feeling more comfortable to share hers. 
 
It’s moments like that, where I see how beneficial it is to speak up and SHARE the shi***y things we go through, that make me want to write: whether it's writing blog posts or writing television. And, I hope this helps you, too - whether you’re in the midst of a disorder or reading this post for a friend. I believe in you! <3

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