"If I started a blog, it would be an awesome one..."

A personal thought on starting a blog.

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Payton at the Cliffs of Moher in Ireland, 2019.

People see me as fearless. At least, so I've been told.

In college, at the cult that was Texas State University, I was a stand out, a go-getter, a "role model of confidence". Not even death ever scared me. My sophomore year, I went to Ireland for a study abroad, standing on the edges of the Cliffs of Moher doing tree poses with my hands at hearts center. Two years later, I rode the subways all alone my first time in Los Angeles, subsequently getting followed by an old, trenched coated man. And was I scared?! No! 
(Okay, I was, but only slightly, I swear!)

So, I’ll ask you, reader, if all of this bravery is so easy for me, then why is it so hard for me to work up the courage to start a blog? You'd think it would be simple: a blog won't hurt me, unlike the scissor-wielding  subway weirdos of LA. If I can face them, I can face anything! Aren't I supposed to be a fearless go-getter, after all?!!!!!?

Well, the secret is, I'm not. At least, not fully.
Let me tell you, reader, it’s not the being vulnerable with strangers part that’s difficult for me, no, no: I can trauma dump all day. If you really wanted it, I could tell you all about my relationship with my mother, my eating disorder, my distant dad, my medication. I could tell you about bursting my eardrum, my several concussions, my car wrecks, my assaults!

But, I won't. Even though it's a piece of cake. What's scary for me actually is not the sharing, reader, it's your response. Or, rather, your lack of response. Because what kills me the most about technology is that I can't see your reaction to my writing. I can't even see if you've read it at all.

......

So, that's the reason! That's the reason I haven't yet utilized this very easy piece of software, even though I tell myself weekly, "If I started a blog, it would be an awesome one...": It's because I'm too scared of being forgotten, unloved, and unread. I'm scared to try and fail because, as I've said, I'm not a fearless go-getter after all. In fact, I'm actually so desperate for people to like what I do, to notice the hard work I put into things, that I'd sometimes rather save myself the tears and not try at all. Because I've cry too much: I cry when I don't get cast and I cry when I get rejected from writing competitions. I cry when I fight with my boyfriend and I cry when I feel weak. That's basically twelve cups of water right there, reader.

But... I also cry when I try and succeed. And that, reader, is the most rewarding feeling of them all.

I cried when I was a Quarterfinalist in Big Break's Screenwriting competition: big, happy tears of excitement. I cried when I got to play Christopher Boone after asking if I could audition, being a girl in a boy's part. I cry when I dance with my wonderful boyfriend in the kitchen and I cried when I got my first pullup... And the second, and the third.

I would never have these happy tears if I didn't try at all, and that's why I'm starting this blog. Because my Thoughts cannot continue to live just in my scripts, or just on my Google Docs. I want my thoughts to be heard! There, I said it.

Life's a wonderful game of try and fail, especially in this industry.

Today, I'll choose to try! Hopefully, reader, you'll choose the same.

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